


Fire Album: The Force Awakens

by ChaosTwoHanderAndGrassCrestShield



Category: Fire Emblem: Kakusei | Fire Emblem: Awakening
Genre: Gen, I hate myself for liking this game, I honestly have no idea what I'm doing, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, i hate myself for making this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-11 16:46:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10469616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaosTwoHanderAndGrassCrestShield/pseuds/ChaosTwoHanderAndGrassCrestShield
Summary: CHROM finds a HOMELESS WOMAN WITH A HEAD INJURY on the ground and ropes her into an adventure. Together, they, and A BUNCH OF OTHER ANIME TEENAGERS, go on an adventure to kill DRAGON SATAN using the power of friendship (and also copious amounts of grinding).Parody/retelling of Waifu Wars: Awakening, loosely based on my own experiences as a complete outsider.





	1. Unseen Scarves (Prediction)

**Author's Note:**

> So a few months ago, my brother got me this anime game for christmas, presumably used at a GameStop or something. I'm a complete outsider to not only this particular franchise or fandom, but also to Nintendo games in general; the only reason I own a 2DS was so that I could play Pokemon. I'm probably also completely out of the target audience for this game; I hate JRPGs, and the only anime I gave a damn about were abridged series.
> 
> Here's everything I knew going in:  
> 1) It's some sort of JRPG  
> 2) I'm pretty sure this is the one where the anime guys from Smash Bros come from (I've only played Melee and Brawl)  
> 3) I'm probably going to hate this
> 
> However, I kept playing it, despite the fact that every couple of minutes I'd take a moment to ask, "what the hell am I playing", and silently judge my life decisions.  
> I liked this game, and I hate the fact that I liked it. Is this how they get you? Am I a weeaboo now? I'm scared.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Anyhow, here's this crap.

**FADE IN:**

 

**INT. GENERIC EVIL CASTLE PLACE**

 

BLUE-HAIRED ANIME GUY charges away from camera, pointing an IMPRACTICAL FANTASY SWORD ahead. He’s wearing a fancy asymmetrical outfit that leaves a MYSTERIOUS SYMBOL on his shoulder exposed. For some reason, the only part of his body that is armored is his right shoulder. His face looks like every single anime protagonist ever.

> BLUE: (angrily) HRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

BLUE begins to fight with a JAFAR-LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER, who is fighting back by shooting blue lightning like he’s Emperor Palpatine or something. A hand belonging to the viewer, who is a NONDESCRIPT PLAYER CHARACTER, charges a lighting bolt and shoots it at JAFAR, who teleports away like a pussy.

> JAFAR: (hammily) You fool!

JAFAR shoots force lightning at BLUE, and he hits a wall and presumably breaks every one of his ribs. JAFAR prepares to shoot an OMINOUS GLOWING PURPLE ORB at BLUE, but the PLAYER CHARACTER shoots lightning at the orb and they cancel out like in Harry Potter.

> JAFAR: (smugly) Hmmm!

Suddenly, the PRE-RENDERED CUTSCENE ends, and everything becomes NOTICEABLY MORE SPRITEY. The angle changes to an overhead projection as it becomes increasingly clear that this is, indeed, a video game. A picture of BLUE appears, and text scrolls below.

> BLUE: This is it! Our final battle! You’re one of us now, Robin—wait, you didn’t even bother picking your own name?
> 
> ROBIN: I like to use defaults, dammit! And what the hell happened to the graphics? Why are we talking like we’re in a visual novel?

ROBIN is literally just the default female with no alterations made.

> BLUE: You didn’t even _try_ to customize anything?
> 
> ROBIN: As if _I’d_ get invested in this stupid weeaboo tripe. So what’s going on?
> 
> BLUE: Foreshadowing, Robin! Foreshadowing!
> 
> ROBIN: Don’t tell me that you’re just going to go ahead and show me the final boss fight before the game even starts, are you?
> 
> BLUE: No! Well, maybe…Look, it all makes sense in the end, you see—
> 
> ROBIN: Just shut the fuck up and get on with the damn prologue.

A TUTORIAL MESSAGE pops up and is promptly ignored. ROBIN and BLUE slowly creep towards JAFAR over the course of A FEW TURNS, since he seems to be content standing there picking his nose or something.

> JAFAR: (with much ham) Nyeh heheh hehe! You cannot stop DESTINY!
> 
> ROBIN: This is the tutorial. There’s not going to be much challenge here, so just be quiet and die. 

JAFAR proceeds to get his ass handed to him.

> JAFAR: This isn’t over! You’ll have to fight me AT LEAST three more times before I’ll stay dead!

JAFAR shoots some EVIL MAGIC BULLSHIT. It nearly hits BLUE, but ROBIN shoves him out of the way and gets hit instead.

> BLUE: Are you alright? That’s the end of him. Thanks to you we carried the day. We can rest easy now. At long last…

ROBIN is unable to talk because this is another PRE-RENDERED CUTSCENE. The first person perspective gets all muffled and has a red filter on it, implying that SCARY BAD THINGS are happening to ROBIN.

> BLUE: What’s wrong? Hey, hang on-

A loud stabbing sound is heard. BLUE staggers backwards, revealing that ROBIN totally just shanked him in the gut with lightning.

 

RECORD SCRATCH. FREEZE FRAME.

 

> BLUE: (narrating, off camera) Yep, that’s me. So yeah, you’re probably wondering how I got myself into this situation. You see, it all started a few years ago...


	2. Prologue: ...This is going down in history!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At LISSA's insistence, CHROM does something.

**EXT. NONDESCRIPT FIELD IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE**

 

First person view, eyes closed such that the scene is completely black.

> UNKNOWN FEMALE: Chrom, we have to do something!

Eyes open, middle of frame is white.

> CHROM: What do you propose we do? I _could_ go get the shovel…
> 
> FEMALE: Well… We could see if there’s a river nearby, or…

Eyes open completely, revealing two figures. One of them is the BLUE HAIRED DUDE from earlier, and the other one is SOME KIND OF PRINCESS with a dumb looking outfit and a hairdo with buttons.

> CHROM: Oh! I see you’re ali— _awake_ now.
> 
> PRINCESS: Uh, hey there!
> 
> CHROM: There are better places to OD than on the ground, you know.

CHROM holds out his hand.

> CHROM: Give me your hand.

ROBIN extends a hand out, revealing a BADASS TATTOO on the back of her hand, which probably isn’t important to the plot or anything. CHROM pulls her up, and the shot lingers UNCOMFORTABLY CLOSE to his face while he makes a goofy yet alluring smile. Off camera, LEGIONS OF FANGIRLS AND ALSO SOME MEN NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT swoon.

The PRE-RENDERED CUTSCENE ends, and is replaced by an IN-ENGINE scene with LOW POLY MODELS. Standing there is ROBIN, CHROM, PRINCESS, and a SOLDIER MAN.

> CHROM: You all right?
> 
> ROBIN: I think so…wait, what the fuck happened to my feet? Also, who the hell are you guys? Are you recurring characters? Was I supposed to play a different game first? Wait… Were you in Smash Bros or something?
> 
> CHROM: (visibly frustrated) …No.
> 
> SOLDIER MAN: (under breath) The hell’s a ‘foot’?
> 
> PRINCESS: Wait, I’ve heard of this! It’s called convenient plot amnesia!
> 
> SOLDIER MAN: Seriously? Amnesia? Why not put up a billboard that says “plot twist ahead”?

THE WRITERS quickly shush SOLDIER MAN.

> ROBIN: Seriously, who the hell are you guys?
> 
> CHROM: I’m Chrom, but then again, you already read my name on the touchscreen during the prologue. This delicate one is my sister Lissa.
> 
> LISSA: I am not delicate!

ROBIN takes out a notebook labeled “personality quirks” and writes “Lisa: delicate”.

> CHROM: And this is Fredrick.
> 
> FREDERICK: I don’t trust you, stranger! Also I hate gravel.
> 
> ROBIN: Calm your tits, Carth Onasi.

ROBIN writes “Francis: trust issues, rock fetish”.

> LISSA: Chrom, look! The village!
> 
> CHROM: Gods! The nearby village is on fire! How did we not notice until we were right next to it?
> 
> FREDERICK: Milord, what about Robin?
> 
> CHROM: Unless she conveniently happens to have combat training as well as an intuitive understanding of battlefield strategy, she can wait!

CHROM ET. AL. run offscreen.

> ROBIN: Welp, I’m guessing the main quest is that-a-way. Good thing I have no survival instincts!

ROBIN joins THE CREW as they fight off A BUNCH OF GENERIC BANDITS. ROBIN and CHROM mostly stick together to abuse the dual strike mechanics, FREDERICK charges ahead to effortlessly slaughter enemies, and LISSA stands around looking busy until all the enemies are dead.

> ROBIN: Hmm… It’s strange…
> 
> CHROM: What is it?
> 
> ROBIN: All of this feels familiar, like I’ve done something like this in the past…
> 
> CHROM: What do you mean?
> 
> ROBIN: Are you sure this is a JRPG?
> 
> CHROM: I mean, it’s sort of a JRPG with strategy elements, I guess.
> 
> ROBIN: Honestly, I’m getting XCOM vibes from this whole thing.
> 
> CHROM: XCOM? This isn’t XCOM.
> 
> ROBIN: Shut up, I’m pretending this is XCOM from now on.
> 
> CHROM: Robin…
> 
> THE COMMANDER: That’s Commander to you, _Central Officer Bradford_. Now go get your green sweater on.
> 
> BRADFORD: ribbon pls

The FOUR MUSKETEERS mop up the remaining bandits and the level ends.

> CHROM: Hey Robert—
> 
> ROBIN: _Robin_.
> 
> CHROM: —Robot, you did pretty good, why don’t you come with us?
> 
> ROBIN: I don’t have any say in this, do I?
> 
> CHROM: Nope!

And so it was that Chrom found a creepy brain damaged homeless woman on the side of the road and decided to have her give orders to his entire army, because he is a responsible person who makes good decisions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I pretended I was playing XCOM 2 as a defense mechanism to avoid admitting that I was enjoying playing this game.
> 
> I mean, it totally works! You play as a nonspecific person giving individual directions to the soldiers, while a secondary character with a defined face, name, and voice is the one who talks in all the cutscenes. You fight aliens (because foreigners are technically aliens) and zombies, and try to prevent them from destroying humanity with something called an "Avatar". There are main story missions you do as well as periodic side missions you can do to gain resources and experience. You move around a big map of the world from region to region, where you can do a mission or purchase items.
> 
> See? Exactly the same. Totally. DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME!


	3. Chapter 1: Uninvited Adjustments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CHROM and the CHROMINITES are rudely awakened, and fight off some zombies with the aid of a MYSTERIOUS INDIVIDUAL.

**FADE IN:**

 

**EXT. NONDESCRIPT FOREST IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE (NIGHT)**

 

CHROM, LISSA, FREDRICK and ROBIN are walking in a forest.

> CHROM: Well, it’s getting dark. Anyone up for funny antics?
> 
> LISSA: (with a pleased grin) Did someone say funny antics?

A bug flies into LISSA’s mouth.

> LISSA: Mmmmph! Eh berg fwer into mer merth!
> 
> CHROM: Don’t be like that… suffering builds character!
> 
> FREDERICK: I suppose we should look for food. Anyone up for gathering some fruit?
> 
> ROBIN: _Fuck_ no. I’m going to go get some _real_ food!

ROBIN wanders off into the forest. FREDERICK begins setting up a campfire. CHROM begins gathering fruit, while LISSA complains about various things.

 

**FADE TO:**

 

CHROM, LISSA, and FREDERICK are sitting around a campfire, eating berries.

> CHROM: So when do you think Robin is coming back?
> 
> FREDERICK: By the laws of comedic timing, I’d say any second now.
> 
> ROBIN: (bursts into the scene) I’m back!

They turn to see ROBIN, covered in blood, dragging the mangled corpse of a bear.

> CHROM: Did you hunt a motherfucking _bear?!_
> 
> ROBIN: (deranged) The best kind of food is the kind you kill yourself!

ROBIN begins cutting the bear into pieces and offers it to the others. They politely decline, and she starts eating it raw, with her bare hands.

 

**FADE TO:**

 

The four are sleeping around the campfire, except CHROM, who lies down sleeplessly before getting up, waking up LISSA.

> LISSA: (yawning) …Chrom? What’s wrong?
> 
> CHROM: I can’t sleep…I have this nagging feeling like the story is about to progress further. I’m going for a walk. 

 

**CUT TO:**

 

CHROM and LISSA are walking through the woods. Suddenly, the ground starts shaking. The game switches to a PRE-RENDERED CUTSCENE.

> LISSA: Chrom, what is that?

The camera pans to where LISSA is pointing. A GIANT SAURON-LOOKING EYEBALL appears in the sky, opens, and a bunch of zombies come out.

> CHROM: Zombies! I told them I wasn’t crazy! Let’s see who’s ‘paranoid’ now!

CHROM slashes a zombie. It looks like it’s going to fall over, but then it spookily turns its head around 180 degrees and starts charging, ass-first.

> CHROM: Christ, this is some real voodoo-ass bullshit.

CHROM kills the zombie, for good this time. Meanwhile, LISSA is about to get her head bashed in by another zombie. Suddenly, the world goes into slow motion, and a MYSTERIOUS INDIVIDUAL leaps out of the EYEBALL and blocks the zombie’s axe with her sword.

CHROM stares blankly at the INDIVIDUAL with a slack-jawed expression.

> INDIVIDUAL: For the love of god, get your thumbs out of your ass and _help me out, you useless blueberry!_
> 
> CHROM: Um… Right.

They kill the zombie together in a totally rad fight scene that I’m willing to bet was in the trailers. The INDIVIDUAL sheathes their sword in a mysterious fashion. The INDIVIDUAL is wearing a mask and looks suspiciously similar to the character “Marth”, who debuted in Super Smash Bros Brawl on the Nintendo 64.

The PRE-RENDERED CUTSCENE ends, and the INDIVIDUAL suddenly vanishes off the face of the earth. FREDERICK and ROBIN show up, fashionably late to appear in the CUTSCENE.

> FREDERICK: Milord! Milady! Are you okay? What’s going on?
> 
> LISSA: There are zombies and stuff!
> 
> ROBIN: Oh, right, _zombies_! And here I was expecting something that made sense.
> 
> CHROM: (mocking, under breath) _Oh, Chrom, there’s no such thing as zombies, you’re being paranoid. Oh, Chrom, I’m sure there’s no vampire conspiracy to hide the existence of undead from the rest of the world, you’re just being paranoid. Oh, Chrom, there’s no need to install spike traps every five feet in the castle, you’re just being paranoid. Well, we’ll see who’s paranoid now…_

The level begins.

> ROBIN: Hmm? Are those…
> 
> FREDERICK: Abandoned forts, yes.
> 
> ROBIN: Then we should take shelter within them whenever possible! I’m sure that they-
> 
> FREDERICK: Actually, these forts are single-occupancy.
> 
> ROBIN: Come again?
> 
> FREDERICK: It’s a fire code thing, you’re not allowed to have more than one person in it at a time. Well, two, technically, but only if one of them is giving the other a piggyback ride.
> 
> ROBIN: What the hell is wrong with this country?

Suddenly, a RED-HAIRED WOMAN ON HORSEBACK shows up.

> RED: Captain! Sorry I’m late, I got held up in traffic.
> 
> ROBIN: Who are you?
> 
> RED: I’m Sully, and I’m a strong independent woman who don’t need no man!

ROBIN writes “Celery: possibly hates men? more data required” into her notebook.

> UNKNOWN MALE: Wait up, m’lady!

Some DUDE WHO LOOKS LIKE HE CAME FROM A PHOENIX WRIGHT GAME shows up. He’s wearing one of those fancy bibs rich people wear.

> SULLY: Oh, what the hell is it now?
> 
> DUDE: I’m positively euphoric to meet you, m’lady. My name is Virion.

ROBIN writes “Virizon: internet atheist”.

> SULLY: Why don’t you shut up and make yourself useful, asshat.
> 
> VIRION: Certainly, m’lady.

VIRION removes his fedora to take a bow, revealing a smaller fedora, which he then tips with his other hand.

> ROBIN: Look, all this character-building is nice and all, but could it wait for when we’re _not all about to be killed by zombies?_

Reluctantly, THE GANG agrees to actually do something about their impending demise. While they are impeded by the ANNOYING MOVEMENT PENALTIES, they manage to wipe out the remaining enemies.

 

**CUT TO:**

 

FREDERICK, LISSA, CHROM, and ROBIN are all facing the MYSTERIOUS INDIVIDUAL, who apparently decided to come back after the they _**really could have used some help**._

> INDIVIDUAL: …
> 
> LISSA: Hey, thanks! You sure saved my neck out there! Hehe, get it, it’s funny because-
> 
> CHROM: _*ahem*_ My name is Chrom. Might I ask yours?
> 
> INDIVIDUAL: You may call me…

The INDIVIDUAL dramatically looks away into the distance.

> INDIVIDUAL: …Marth.

There is a moment of silence as everyone takes in the dramatic scene before them.

> ROBIN: Hey, that’s the red haired guy from Melee, right?

EVERYONE EXCEPT ROBIN does a facepalm.


End file.
